Low self-esteem prevents us from building healthy relationships and career, provokes neurosis and addiction. American psychotherapist Janet Woititz offers specific tips to help reduce stress in relationships and self-esteem.
Janet Woititz (1939-1994) was the first in the 80-ies focused on the children and relatives of alcoholics. The impetus was the alcoholism of her husband. Woititz found that the children of alcoholics and children raised in single-parent families and families where one or both parents suffered from addictions and phobias, as a rule, grow up with very low self-esteem and have great difficulty in communicating with other people. Her book “Adult children of alcoholics” became a bestseller and contributed to the emergence of a movement that has gained worldwide scope.
The only way to realize who you are, find what suits you.
In itself, the discussion of the problems in the relationship already reduces the fear of being abandoned.
You are all the time trying to guess what is the norm. People with low self-esteem it is important to know and understand that the concept of “normality” does not exist. More effective ask yourself the question: what is really important to you? What’s important to your family? The task is not to guess what is normal for you and to understand what works best for you and your family.
The first step in overcoming any bad habit – it awareness. Just watch for them. Instead of having to deal with self judgment, try to learn yourself by studying how you behave. When one begins to look at myself honestly and without judgment, can separate himself from his behavior, he is able to change, develop and grow.
Feelings cannot be right or wrong. They are just there. If we feel your sense of wrong, then it adds guilt and this worsens the situation. The anger that you feel is real. If you decide to experience the feeling of anger is wrong and that instead you should show compassion, it will not help you. It is impossible to substitute one emotion another.
To fully overcome the feeling of loneliness is impossible, but there are ways to reduce it. First you need to take the risk to open up to others. The best way to get what you need to start doing it myself. If you want to be loved, please do offer your love to other people. This risk of being misunderstood, abandoned. But avoiding risk, you doom yourself to loneliness. If you decide to take the risk, you get the chance to change. It is not enough to try once. Promise yourself that every day you will gradually to communicate with other people.
There is a good group exercise that shows that self-criticism is always very subjective. Participants sit in a circle, the task is to free himself, wholly or partly, from those qualities that they do not want to have. If rejected by the quality some people like it, he or she may assign them. Usually one party who says he wants to get rid of my procrastination, and it manages to reach the center of the circle, as another has already said that he would like to take him, because he, on the contrary, hyperactive. Someone else says: “I want to get rid of his guilt” – and immediately receives the answer: “I need some of your guilt. I feel too selfish.”
This exercise demonstrates that our features need to be explored. To what extent are they useful to us? How much interfere? Obviously, the condemnation of themselves and their shortcomings is of no benefit. When you decide to be yourself, you get much more possibilities.
Overreaction to a minor event – e.g., friends canceling at the last minute – usually tied to our past. Something similar has happened before – once or many times, usually in childhood. The first thing you should do is to clearly define in which cases you start over-react. How your reaction is appropriate to the circumstances? Whether the situation in order to react so badly?
If these questions make you want to defend, then you are really overreacting to this situation. The first step in overcoming such reactions is to understand their essence and understand what in your past caused it. Another way is to consciously change your habits. Ask yourself how much you are tied to their normal plans. Can you go a different route home? Or go to the store on Wednesday, not Thursday as usual? Can you change your plans, while not victimizing yourself? This is your chance to become more flexible. Flexibility in one area gives you the opportunity to develop flexibility in other areas.
Analyze what people are present in your life and what is the essence of your relationship with them. Do you receive from others as much as you give to them? How these people are stronger or weaker than you? Perhaps if you objectively assess your surroundings, you will see that give people more than they receive from them. Then you have to change your social circle and maintain relationships only with those people who are capable of symmetrical relations. Perhaps it is because you do not allow others to do something for you. Do you consider yourself strong enough to take care of themselves, but you should give the opportunity to others to participate in your life.
If you day after day saying to yourself: “Why am I staying with this person? Why can’t all give it up?” – it is necessary to analyze their relationship. People who do not deserve our loyalty, often very critical of us. They often talk about what is wrong with us. Be careful when you hear this – who actually tells people? Do these statements apply to you, or is this person projecting you own faults?
Pain, sorrow or anger can belong only to those who are experiencing them. These feelings should not be your own, you can only show empathy and compassion. Maybe you got pulled into an unhealthy relationship, playing on the guilt. If you are easy to manipulate based on this feeling, you start to think that something needs to another person. “He was good to me. He took care of me.” To feel guilty or obligated for these reasons is wrong. You don’t owe people because they supported you. You self-worth. If you feel compelled for something you supported, you are thereby saying, “I’m worthless”.
You will gain confidence in yourself if you will be able to solve the tasks we set for ourselves. Tasks can be simple or complex, but you need to be sure that they are doable. Doesn’t always happen. If something happened – it’s great and did not happen by chance, you deserve your success. Reward yourself for completed cases. Always remember the things that you well succeed. Do not ignore them. Use them as a Foundation to become a whole person. If you failed, you need to get out of this situation and to try something new. It should not be emptied.