Read a Chapter from the book “healing the feminine soul” Olga Valeevoj and understand how important it is to learn to ask, to be weak and somewhat dependent. It is important to refuse to carry on their fragile female and is not intended for that shoulders the responsibility for the world around them.
Currently lives with a woman can be very beautiful and interesting, can be (and most likely) largely successful. Really look so tired – of everything. She’s just tired of lugging all by yourself. But continues to do so every day. She was not one to count, and the life of every day confirms it for her.
How it all began? It is difficult to say. Maybe with her grandmother, who after the war, one raised children. Or the other grandmother, who endured her husband on the couch, because after the war, each man is worth its weight in gold. Maybe with her mother, whose husband “broke” the crisis of the 90s and started to drink, and she decided to take charge. Or mom who decided to do without a husband, so the ballast didn’t interfere. Maybe even earlier – with great-grandmother, who refused from the roots after the revolution and during Stalin’s purges. We don’t know for sure. Options – a lot. However, the investigation and conclusions made by them are the same. You can only count on yourself, you have to be strong, you can do this.
Grew our girl with a full sense that in this life no one for it will not do anything, and she’ll have all and always.
It is safer, easier and to ask to be humiliated don’t need and hope it is not necessary to anybody, and so to be disappointed is not necessary. To her insistently told mom, one way or another on these findings, it was suggested to dad, the teacher at school each time, praising her for her successes, he added: “you’ll go far, she can handle it!”.
Yes, most likely, in her life and there was no relationship with the father. A father who’d carry her in his arms, adored and protected. Not seen it and caring attitude of the father to the mother, whether she wouldn’t let this concern be manifested, whether it was convenient to think that her twenty pounds of potatoes to carry not heavy. No matter whether dad is physically present or not at all. All the good that she could expect to get from them is not received, for different reasons. Maybe mom didn’t allow, maybe he didn’t want to.
In childhood she learned that every man for himself, to rely on the assistance not worth it. When she was hurt in the yard, mom said, “you’re on your own”. When she’s not out of the equation, dad indifferently shrugged shoulders: “Well then, get two”. When classmates in joint tasks it has failed, she also received “two”, although his part of the work done. Much easier was to do it all myself. It turned out good and efficiently, and quickly. Yes, the forces had to spend more, but the result is not ashamed.
Ask always meant “to be humiliated”. Ask for help meant to admit their own failure and bravenet. Aid just do not get it, and even ridicule. Respect only those who did everything yourself, as well as the unassuming, able to endure any inconvenience in silence. What she was doing. When mother and father divorced (as expected, because dad is not a very nice person), she became the main man in the life of the mother, who had no right to upset her, disappoint. For the rest of their days her to carry now the responsibility for the happiness of the mother, and bear all need it without much complaints.
And when he came the first love, she was glowing with happiness bloomed, but your portfolio for him to wear was not allowed. Here’s another! As if she can’t handle it! Then he will think about it? And the café was paid, not to feel obligated to him. Then even paid for two, when he was not with me. She was giving him a beautiful and expensive gifts (to the best of their possibilities) and pretended that she was not hurt get nothing in return. And of course, she always tried to help him. And control for him to do, and feed at home and will have your back. She wasn’t expecting him protection, so that there, she sometimes defended him!
And how he betrayed her then, having exchanged a fool of the Junior class, only strengthened her belief that to trust him is not worth it. And in General not to be trusted, not to be vulnerable.
Of course, the men she, too, chose a special way. She liked the quiet romance, wandering in their dreams. And all these rude and arrogant “men” was just annoying. Once she was approached by a guy she kind of liked it. Until then, until he began persistently to open the door for her, to give her a hand when exiting the bus and grab bags. This immediately alerted her, and then he still and flowers for no reason brought almost forced to take.
And then he also said that his wife will never work. Since were in the “black list”. It’s a real tyrant and a despot, who is going to completely control the life of their women! She did not like me and those guys who had their opinion and was adamant in it, and those who engaged in any sports. Although it was mutual.
It started working at school. Putting up ads after school, was delivering leaflets, gradually mastered the Internet – translated texts were of the description of goods and filled sites. At the Institute (where she received, of course, myself!) I managed to work the market, and shop, and network companies, and a cleaner. Then he translated the correspondence, it was convenient to make a career in a large Corporation. And started to work 10-12 hours a day, steadily advancing towards their goals. The goal was simple – financial independence, a prestigious job, his own apartment, complete independence.
She also went for this romance, which is all the time looking for himself. Took one Institute, two, three. It wasn’t even wrong, it did not fit anything. He could not, because “learned” and again searched for the best place for yourself. And why work – she worked three jobs, all you need is enough. She could buy a new computer, to give money to another arrival.
Asked nothing, demanded nothing and did not even waited. She was quickly promoted, in parallel finishing the University.
Bought on credit the flat, the same loan itself and paid. Become pregnant a little scared that I will have to eat bread and water, but still a baby. Worked almost the entire 9 months, and even from the hospital have completed some deals.
Before birth, in the apartment we needed to make the repairs he promised to do it myself, but there was always something more important. Wait for more she could not, and with a huge belly alone during the Christmas holidays was moving the Wallpaper, laid linoleum, and even glued the tiles in the bathroom. To somehow live with the child. It turned out that she is capable of anything – even in this situation. It would be possible for someone to ask, but why?
Of course, with the child she helped no one. Husband thought it was beneath his dignity (especially since it’s a girl, not a son!). The work he has started, maternity leave was coming to an end. The choice was difficult but she got used to rely only on themselves. Found a baby sitter, went to work. Was exhausted and trying to catch pull a house and a job and a child. Did not ask for help. Even with my parents. And yet you think she can’t handle.
Husband still looking for himself in the breaks was playing “tanks”, watched TV, drank. Didn’t know which side opens the fridge, where are your clean shirt. No sleepless nights with her daughter have not spent. It wasn’t that air of romance, rather – at lazy bear. The sense of it was little, hassle even more, but she endured “for the sake of the child.” Continued to catch him, and even nearly tried to bear him a son (a son and suddenly it will shift?). Thank God, it did not work. Not yet.
Another was his mother, who constantly needed something. One thing after another. The drugs bring, the bread you buy. And although she is only fifty, and she’s not disabled, for some reason it needed constant care. Son from all of this denied, but was terribly angry if the wife refused to fulfill his mother’s request. But in all the years of her life she actually forgot to tell anyone “no”.
And then the divorce. Through nearly a decade of this life. He decided that she did not appreciate or understand, he found another and decided to finally show her who’s boss.
Demanded half the rent, for which she was still paying the loan and he has not made a dime. And not to be humiliated, she agreed to everything. Left with the baby nowhere. Much pain she felt, but the feeling of betrayal of dirt to wash off did not work.
Got a new apartment, went to work, daughter went to school, brought out five. Without a husband it has become even easier – almost “Baba with a cart — the Mare is easier”. And now she has everything she wanted – his own apartment, a prestigious job, daughter, independence, even your business. But there is no happiness.
Most of all she wants (though she is afraid to admit it) to bury in someone’s strong shoulder and hear: “Relax, I’ll do it myself”.
She was tired just from the constant responsibility for themselves and the child from having to keep it all to myself (she doesn’t remember when the crying), from loneliness, from the load that it pulls all my life. She buys new clothes in order to work it easier to enter into contracts. She’s also a mechanically, again, to “face of the company”. She can’t remember, did you ever heart to heart with daughter (she just can’t handle it). She will not be able to answer sincerely to the question about what she wants. Her shoulders still and heavy, no one massage therapist will be able to stretch the stones that she wears at just above your shoulder blades. She is a very strong, independent and self-reliant. Mother proud of her daughter. And happiness-no.
But a strong shoulder there. Men who come across her – the same romance, weaklings, Alfonso. Real men she is not interested, there are too few women and absolutely no power. And these very real men a scare, she did not understand what to expect from them, as their lives with them to build, how to communicate. What do they want, if they do not have to contain and endure? And how can you build relationships, while maintaining their independence, autonomy and power? And to refuse it it is not ready, because trust him, and then he will betray, leave, change, start beating?
Sometimes she looks at my foolish and unsuccessful classmates. This did not differ special mind and always wrote off control, home. Completed a technical school or College and then got married. Three children, a loving husband, home. And lively eyes that sparkle with happiness. No career, can’t handle herself, and her husband don’t need anybody else, still in the hands of the bears.
Or this one, which works as a psychologist in the school receives a mere penny, but blooming and fragrant. New outfits, cultural outlets, museums, theatres, concerts. Anything heavier than their own small bag never wears. And looks much younger than his years, without any plastics. There is another even more strange. And successful, and happy. Is doing some dancing, with soul engaged, and dance club has opened, where you just don’t get. And gold husband and children – a sight for sore eyes.
But the most important thing is always pay attention to is the eyes. They can’t lie. Have a happy women, they always Shine something incomprehensible and attractive.
There are certainly other classmates whose lives are not so happy. Someone’s husband is an alcoholic (and at this time, our girl is happy that she is not married), someone’s husband and still has (even more happy), someone similarly pulls all on itself (and they exchanged knowing glances), who lives with his parents and can not move, suffer scandals. But to communicate with them is not particularly interesting, the same look of a broken horse, or a beaten dog.
And next grows her daughter, who sees the mother is successful and so alone.See the history and betrayal of his father, and those men with whom the mother met after (whatever the boyfriend sort of gigolo or parasite). Sees that all achieve need their own hard work that care enough to ask who and not why. Sees and grandmother, whose fate not too different from mom’s, except that big business did not build. And even if the mother herself for her same fate doesn’t want other conclusions, the daughter will not do. Every man for himself. Get yourself as much as you can while you can. You are responsible for everything in this world.
What will increase that which is now my mother’s only consolation? One that with the time of demanding the lump turned into an adult girl with whom you can talk about life, struggles to share? Who used to do everything myself, like my mother, help me never to ask your problems do not distract?
So all this goes on, until you find the one that will refuse to carry on their fragile female and is not intended for that shoulders the responsibility for the world around them. Which will be able to say “no” to all these generic scenarios and habits. Which will learn, no matter how scary, to ask and to be weak and somewhat dependent.
Which will see all their “legacy” and learn to consciously manage it – to discard something, something to apply. Which chooses a different path from the roads of the mother and grandmother. And yet there is a woman who drags all by yourself and with dimmed eyes dead-tired horse wants to burrow into someone’s strong shoulder. But this dream will remain unattainable.